Let transgender people know we belong, that’s really all we want
Friday, 12 November 2021
OPINION: My upbringing was, sadly, full of experiences similar to those of many young trans and non-binary folk.
Growing up, my father was contemptuous towards me because of who I was. I have not spoken to him for about 20 years now, and that’s his loss.
Put yourself in the shoes of such youngsters for a moment. You are prey to the usual insecurities of adolescence, trying to process who you are, contending with a part of your make-up that is as immutable as being left or right-handed, and throughout, there is a parent undermining you.
Fortunately, I had a supportive mother, and she was my lifesaver. Parental support is so important for young trans and non-binary folk. They are dealing with a tough process and desperately need the support of those who love and raise them.
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I think the key things a parent should remember are, it’s not a choice and hardly ever a “phase”. You don’t have to be an expert you just have to be there; and that it is invaluable to love, be accepting, and provide a safe place.
I mostly attended a small-town school, where I was bullied constantly. A lot of the other students didn’t know what to make of me. I couldn’t hide who I was any more than a straight boy could pretend to be transgendered day in and day out.
The bullying came from fear and uncertainty towards anything “different”, and I was the “different”. We need to encourage children, and a lot of adults as well, to embrace and value difference. It’s that difference in the members of our community that saves us from living in a monochrome world where everyone thinks the same and looks the same.
Life is very much more interesting when you are surrounded by people of all different persuasions.
Since leaving home and entering the wide world, I have been refused access to women’s changing rooms, I’ve been stared at by customer service staff in hotels and restaurants, I’ve had abuse yelled at me in bars.
But I’ve also met wonderful people who have recognised my worth, and have seen me for my potential, irrespective of who or what I am. Through these wonderful people I have been given opportunities, and I have grabbed these opportunities with both hands, because I know how hard they are to come by.
The 13-19 of November is Transgender Awareness Week, and while life is definitely getting better for transgendered and non-binary people when compared with 20 or 30 years ago, it’s still a very tough journey for us.
Maybe you can do something to improve this, and in return we will add to the richness of the world you live in and bring colour to your life.
It would also be hugely beneficial for mainstream Kiwis to focus attention away from sport at the high-performance level, where there are contentious debates, and think a little more in terms of young trans youth.
They might not be aiming for the higher echelons of college sport, but they might want to shyly put their hand up to join a school social team where, for eighty minutes or so each week, they can set aside their anxiety and have fun kicking a ball around, and perhaps make new friends.
Be accepting, you don’t need to be defensive or resentful. If you’re curious, then ask questions, please don’t stare. If you encounter a transgendered person professionally, be professional.
Like everyone, we have needs that are particular to us, such as use of the appropriate toilet, being addressed with the correct pronoun.
None of this threatens or affects you, but it makes an enormous difference to us. Let us know we belong, that’s really all we want.
Mary Haddock-Staniland is the senior vice president of culture & inclusion at Timely Limited, keynote speaker, board member and ambassador for Lifeline Aotearoa.