Patricia, at peace: the 79-year-old transgender woman who waited her whole life to be herself
Friday, 22 October 2021
For 79 years, Patricia Hailes lived life as a man. She often kept a dress with her, to slip into when no-one was watching. But, nearing the end of her life, she decided it was time to stop hiding. Approaching her ninth decade, she tells HANNA McCALLUM how she finally found the courage to embrace her true self.
Patricia Hailes sits, sunk into an olive armchair, in her Christchurch home. Her pearl earrings shimmer in the sunlight. Her magenta button-up top and skirt deftly match her lipstick and painted nails.
“I know a lot of people but they don’t know me like this,” she says.
She points a pink nail at a photo in a dusty frame on the shelf behind her.
“They know me like that character.”
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In the picture, a short-haired woman stands to the right of a person sporting a bushy white beard. They’re standing in a garden somewhere, middle-aged and happy.
The person on the left is Patricia.
About six months ago, Patricia hit a wall. She had lived her entire life as Barry Hailes, never quite feeling comfortable within herself. She looked at her limited time ahead, and decided she had to change.
“I could sit here and wait to die, or I could do something about it.”
She shaved off her beard, for decades a shield of sorts, put on a dress and immediately felt at home. She changed her name at her work, amongst her friends, and on her tax returns. Her doctor now recognises her as a woman.
“I always envied anybody who could be themselves,” she says.
“I’m 79, an old lady. That’s how I see myself.”
Patricia was born in 1942 and grew up on a farm in Whenuapai, in west Auckland. Her family was Roman Catholic.
Even as a young child, she felt desires which were “a problem”.
“When I was 6, my cousins dressed me up…and I enjoyed it. There’s nothing wrong with that, except I couldn’t stop.”
From then on, working on a farm taking care of 40-odd beehives, Patricia lived a double life. When she sold honeycombs on the side of the road, she wore a bra under her clothes. Driving the tractor, she kept a dress under the seat to slip into when no-one was around. When her mother was out, she dressed up in her clothes.
“She must’ve known, I wore all her clothes, anytime I could.”
Every time Patricia wore women’s clothes, she felt relief. But the secrecy wore her down. Growing up in a Roman Catholic household came with restrictive ideas around self pleasure and gender identity. Patricia envied boys cast in female roles in school plays. She asked God to make her a girl, but her prayers went unanswered. When she was 10 years old, she attempted suicide.
She sighs and struggles to recall much more but vividly remembers at least two attempts. She felt “mental” and hopeless. All she could tell herself was, “I’m doing my best I can, Lord”.
Even as an adult, there was no respite. Years after she left school, Patricia ran an advertising company: Barry’s Newsletter Services. In the car, driving to sales meetings, she would wear a dress and change into a suit to meet clients.
In 1968, Patricia met her wife. Three months later, they were married. Patricia didn’t reveal her secret.
“If I told her, she might not have married me.”
Patricia hoped “regular sex” with her wife would suppress her desires. “Bugger it all up,” as she puts it now. It didn’t work.
Two years into their marriage, her wife knew something was up.
“She could see it was getting me down,” Patricia says.
“She said, ‘What’s wrong with ya, you silly bugger?’ And I said, 'Well, I wear women’s clothes’”.
Patricia says her wife, who asked to stay anonymous for this story, “accepted me of sorts”. Her wife still calls her ‘Barry’, but has embraced her cross-dressing. She does Patricia’s hair. On Patricia’s last birthday, her wife bought her a “lovely” black dress.
The couple had four children. As a young family, they spent about 14 years in Australia. Patricia went back a second time in the 1980s.
While living alone in Sydney, she had hormone therapy and identified as a woman.
She begged her wife to join her there, but she eventually returned to her family in Christchurch.
She boarded the plane wearing a dress, “looking like Tootsie [the cross-dressing Dustin Hoffman film character]”. As soon as she was back in New Zealand, she changed into men’s clothes. Off the hormones, she felt stripped.
“I was so disappointed.”
Back in Christchurch, Patricia was ‘Baz’ once more. Her dual life lasted another 30 years before she “hit a wall”. As her 80th birthday neared, she made the decision of her life.
She told her children about her gender identity. They were largely accepting – they told Patricia she could do “what the heck you like”, but within the confines of home.
“But that kind of doesn’t work either,” she says, “It’s too restrictive.”
A few months later, she put on one of her most colourful dresses and finally took to the streets.
She went to her church. She got a reaction there but not too much.
“I found people didn’t throw stones and I was quite happy… And now I don’t give it a second thought.”
Recognising she wasn’t alone in her struggle, she wanted to become an empathetic ear to others. She discussed it with her priest.
It took Patricia most of her life to be the person she longed to be. Lots of people were disappointed, she says, but “that’s life”.
“It doesn’t matter. The important thing is I’m happier in a dress and my wife is learning to accept it…She’s been loving, loyal.
“I can’t describe the joy I get, being a woman… I’m just an old lady… I just want to relax.
“Cause unless you love yourself you can’t love anybody, and we all need love.”
It hasn’t been easy. Suicide has loomed over her whole life. People have pushed her towards conversion therapy. But she is, finally, content.
“Baz is long gone… I’m quite happy within myself.”