‘Winning or learning’: DJ Forbes on what kids actually need from sporting parents

Saturday, 6 June 2026

Former Sevens captain DJ Forbes says parents often get trapped pushing for outcomes like making a top team, when the real value lies in how kids handle setbacks.

Forbes uses a simple philosophy with his children during tough sporting moments: 'We're either winning or we're learning.'

Rather than adding to the natural pressure of junior sports by focusing purely on wins, Forbes argues that kids simply need support and perspective from the sidelines.

Forbes emphasizes that the goal of youth sport shouldn't be to raise athletes, but to use the game to raise good, resilient people.

This article first appeared in The House of Wellness magazine.

OPINION: It’s not really about the sport, but when your kids start playing, it’s easy to think that’s what it’s all about.

The games, the scores, the team lists, whether they make it or don’t. You get caught up in it, because they get caught up in it. They want to win, they want to be picked, they want to do well. And as a parent, you want that for them too.

But the longer I’ve been around it, both as a player and now as a dad, the more I’ve realised something: it’s not really about the sport.

Don’t get me wrong, sport’s great. It teaches discipline, fitness, routine. But the real value sits underneath all of that. It’s in the stuff that doesn’t show up on the scoreboard. It’s how they handle things when it’s not going well.

I see it with my kids. My daughter plays a lot of sport, and there are times where it’s tough. She might not get selected or she’s playing up a level or things just aren’t clicking. Those are the moments I pay attention to. Because that’s where the learning is.

I always say to her, “We’re either winning or we’re learning. If everything’s going well, enjoy it. But if it’s not, then what are you taking from it? What are you building? That’s the part that lasts.”

With my boy, it looks a bit different. He’s not chasing teams in the same way. For him, it’s more about just being active, looking after himself, building good habits. Getting in the garage and doing the work on his own.

There’s no crowd, no coach, no one telling him what to do. And in a lot of ways, that’s harder. But again, that’s where the value is.

Because what he’s learning there – discipline, consistency, doing something even when no one’s watching – that’s going to carry over into whatever he chooses to do later.

I think sometimes, as parents, we can get caught up in pushing the outcome: making the team, scoring the try, winning the game.

But kids don’t need us to add pressure to that. There’s already enough of it.

What they need is support.

They need to know it’s OK when things don’t go their way, that it’s not always going to be easy and that sticking at something matters more than how it looks in the moment.

They also need perspective.

Sport is just one part of their life. It’s not everything. And not every kid is going to follow the same path. Some will love it, some won’t. Some will push on, others will step away.

That’s OK too.

For me, the goal isn’t to raise athletes. It’s to raise good people.

If sport helps with that, if it teaches them how to work with others, how to communicate, how to deal with setbacks, then it’s doing its job.

And if they can take those lessons into whatever comes next, then that’s the real win.

Because long after the games are finished, that’s the stuff that stays with them.

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