Wellington Water's woes overflow this week

Monday, 18 July 2022

Wellington Water chair Lynda Carroll announces an independent inquiry into the fluoridation of water, and says Wellington's water supply has not been fluoridated for up to ten months. (First published March 18, 2022)

Dave Armstrong is a playwright and satirist based in Wellington.

OPINION/SATIRE: The problems continued for Wellington Water this week when its controlling city councils discovered that a microwave in its lunchroom hadn’t been cleaned for over six years, and they hadn’t been told.

“A councillor could just walk in, be offered a microwaved coffee and have six years of decaying food blowing on their drink,” said council media spokesperson Esmeralda Embargo. But Wellington Water was quick to explain.

“We’ve actually got four microwaves in the lunchroom,” said spokesperson John Seepage , “but two of them broke down years ago, and we can’t afford to replace them, and we didn’t realise the other two have not been cleaned for quite a while.”

* Fluoride foul-up makes 3 Waters more attractive

* Wellington fluoride failure treated with a 'lack of urgency'

Wellington Water revealed in March that it turned off fluoridation at the Te Mārua water plant during 2021.

* Long live the microwave

Speaking off the record, a Wellington Water employee remembered that a secretary in a nearby office used to be responsible for keeping the microwaves clean, but they left for a job at the Hutt Hospital intensive care ward because they wanted a less stressful work environment.

Dave Armstrong: “Think of Wellington Water as a slick, state-of-the-art machine, it’s just that it hasn’t been oiled for about six years.”

So why doesn’t each staff member take responsibility for cleaning the microwave themselves after use? “I agree wholeheartedly,” replied Seepage, as his instant noodles exploded after four minutes, “that’s why I printed a notice saying exactly that and put one above each microwave. Unfortunately, three of our four printers haven’t had toner added to them for six years, so I posted blank pieces of paper.”

An inquiry was ordered into the debacle, and it found that since there were no microwave experts on the board, the board was wholly to blame. Luckily, Rocko, the technician at the appliance store across the road from the boardroom has agreed to be co-opted, as long as a free parking space is found for his ute and he is paid in cash.

The microwave fiasco comes as Wayne Guppy, Upper Hutt Mayor and deputy chair of the councils’ committee that oversees Wellington Water, said his committee is “toothless” in terms of holding Wellington Water to account. Commentators are still debating whether it’s toothless because of its overly bureaucratic structure or because all its members have lost their teeth because there hasn’t been fluoride in the water for the past six years.

Regional councillors Daran Ponter, Roger Blakeley and Thomas Nash said they were “alarmed” by the microwave situation but were unable to comment further as they were all stuck at a bus stop in Island Bay while investigating a new sea wall. They had been waiting for the 11.34am bus since 10.58am and didn’t expect it arrive until 2.46pm and were playing a game of spot the empty recycle bin to pass the time.

Wellington’s mayoral candidates were appalled by yet another misstep from Wellington Water. Speaking from a photo opportunity in Mount Victoria, independent candidate Tory Whanau said “it’s simply not good enough, and when elected I’ll bring my considerable negotiating skills to get these microwaves cleaned”. Whanau, to hearty cheers from three Green Party MPs, four Green regional council candidates, five Green council candidates, 70 Green Party volunteers, 32 Young Greens and four Green parliamentary staff members, said that Wellington needed an independent candidate like her for mayor, who was not aligned to any political party.

Independent mayoral candidate Paul Eagle agreed. “I don’t care who’s in government, I’m putting Wellington first, and if central government’s not going to help us, well stuff them.” Rongotai MP Paul Eagle was appalled by the candidate’s comment. “What candidate Eagle must understand,” said MP Eagle, “is that central government is painfully aware of the failings of many council-controlled water organisations, which is exactly why we are introducing Three Waters – and four microwaves. Eagle should concentrate on his mayoral campaign rather than take cheap shots at central government.” Candidate Eagle was undeterred, “MP Eagle’s just a lowly-ranked party hack, and if I’m elected I’ll make sure he resigns immediately”.

Meanwhile, Wellington Mayor Andy Foster, speaking by Zoom from Canberra, said he was “really alarmed” at the dirty microwave situation and would address it on his return. Wearing just a singlet and Y-fronts in his Canberra hotel room, Foster explained that his luggage had been lost by Air New Zealand on his flight to Australia. Luckily, he’d picked up a cheap kangaroo onesie at the Canberra airport souvenir shop which meant ratepayers wouldn’t have to fork out for an expensive new suit for him while he hopped around Canberra.

Wellington Water has agreed that heads will roll after the latest snafu. “But unfortunately three of our four headrolling machines have broken down thanks to a lack of investment,” reported communications consultant Janet Overcharger, “and all our operators are home sick with Covid.”

Is the deeper problem that Wellington Water’s structure is just far too bureaucratic so no one communicates properly? Not at all, believes John Seepage – whose organisation reports to a board that reports to a committee of councils in the region which then reports back to its constituent councils. “Think of Wellington Water as a slick, state-of-the-art machine, it’s just that it hasn’t been oiled for about six years.”