In Elon Musk's universe, his star outshines even his satellites

Thursday, 13 February 2020

A train of SpaceX starlink satellites pass overhead.

OPINION: Elon Musk and his train of satellites buzzed my house and I can't work out if it's pure genius or the world's going to hell in a satellite train.

One of the first things I noticed when we moved to the Coromandel was the night sky. Provided it's a clear, you can you see every single star. Some nights we've laid on the lawn just looking up in amazement. But as the supermoon rose into view last Sunday, Elon Musk's Starlink satellites buzzed overhead from the northeast. I lost count at 30.

SpaceX CEO Elon Musk speaks at the International Astronautical Congress on the long-term technical challenges that need to be solved in order to support the creation of a permanent, self-sustaining human presence on Mars.

I tried to get hold of the Tesla and SpaceX CEO's biography this week. It wasn't in stock locally, but the young employee told me Elon is 'cool' in a 'quirky' way.

I said I wasn't sure, but I was interested in finding out so here is a completely fictional interview with Elon, based on a few facts. Genius or megalomaniac? You decide.

A Falcon 9 SpaceX rocket with a payload of approximately 60 satellites for SpaceX's Starlink broadband network creates a vapor ring high in the sky as it lifts off.

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* Billionaires Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk hit launch in web space race****

Hi Elon. I like the t-shirt you're wearing today. Admit nothing, deny everything. Cute. So, myself and a few friends have been wondering what you're up to. Like, launching 14,000 satellites into space under SpaceX's, Starlink brand. Is it your plan to bring satellite broadband to the remote corners of the world or do you have a few bigger goals too?

Great question. I'm glad someone asked. So, I was thinking the other day, 5G's been getting a bit greedy with their spectrum landgrab. They've kind of cornered the market with it and people don't have many other options for future connectivity. People have also been buying up tinfoil for their hats like it's going out of production so I thought to myself, how can I really shake this game up.

Of course, I thought. Land-based broadband is so 2020, we need internet beamed directly from outer space. 5G's got nothing on Starlink. Our speeds will be hotter and faster than shooting stars. I've only launched a couple of hundred satellites so far, but I'm thinking 14,000 of them in total, maybe 42,000, that's some serious coverage. I just need to figure out how to hide them so no one can see them while they're buzzing about up there. Those astronomers have all got their telescopes in a knot about 42,000 satellites interfering with their pretty pictures of the night sky.

But can we just imagine for a minute what internet access could do for all the starving children in Africa.

Cool. So, what other ideas are you floating?

Well, it also occurred to me I could list this project as an IPO. People can buy shares in my future space junk and get rich off polluting not just the planet we live on, but our night sky and outer space too. Because, why not? We can do it, and no one can stop us. I've already sent up 200 odd satellites before anyone even noticed!

I guess I could also talk about my Neurolink project, where I plan to implant chips into people's brains to achieve symbiosis with artificial intelligence but whoa, if I go into too much detail there I'm really worried what that would do to the tinfoil market. But like I say in my latest Spotify hit; Don't doubt UR vibe. Or should that be my vibe?

So how hard is it to launch 14,000 satellites into space?

Surprisingly easy. I just came up with this genius idea and everyone said sweet let's do it. The vibe was awesome on the first launch day. We even had mariachi bands.

I'm also currently waiting for sign-off to detonate a few nukes in the atmosphere of Mars. I came up with this wicked idea that if we do that, it could warm Mars. Hey presto. New world. Once we've really messed up our current planet and we're facing extinction, we can all just jump on a rocket and head to the new promised land. Mars. I told Joe Rogan the other week a bright and appealing future for humanity involves exploring and settling other worlds, both in our solar system and beyond. I mean, some people might die as we test it out but really, dying in space, it can't be that bad of a way to go, can it? I reckon we could all be there by 2024 and of course internet connection will be slick thanks to my 14,000 or maybe 42,000 satellites.

We've heard you aren't sure if humans live in a reality, or live in a simulated game, what can you tell us about that?

I've had so many simulation conversations it's crazy. Basically, I think there's about a one in a billion chance that we live in a base reality. Gaming has advanced so far in just 40 years it's hard not to reconcile that we could be living in a simulated reality. I think you need to test these things out though. Really see how far you can push the boundaries until like, kaboom! Yup, oops, there it is, reality.

By then we should all be on that rocket to Mars though so, no worries.

You've had a pretty interesting history from learning code as a child and building video games to launching the company that eventually became Paypal, going broke and then launching Tesla and now SpaceX. Do you ever take a vacation?

I don't believe in holidays. If I didn't work 80 to 90 hours a week how would I save the world through green technology and driverless cars, bring internet to every corner of the globe, colonise Mars and link the human race to artificial intelligence through chips in their brains.

True story.

This interview is entirely fictional. Except for most of Elon's plans, including the 14,000 satellites he's launching into space to connect every part of the world to the internet. And the fact no one can stop it because it's already happening.